Like the aggravating itch of a tattoo healing or wound closing; healing can antagonize even more than the wound itself. A couple of months ago babe and I went through an extremely painful process that almost tore us apart. And though I did not know it at the time it was a path I chose the minute I chose self-awareness, self-evolution, and self-love. Below is a piece I wrote while in the midst of that (February, 2016, to be exact). The lesson I learned is that often times healing begins with forgiveness, and that forgiveness must start with you.
The Truth of It All
With every tear that fell the screams inside of me climbed octaves. Hammering into my head "you're responsible! how could you do this?" I looked for every way out of my own mountain top sweating blood through the grinding of my teeth. I must walk down now, I thought. I must allow myself to walk my truth and martyr for my people. Yet I truly do not know what that death looks like. Is it a death to a union or a death to self? What do you when those things are one in the same? Please just tell me the direction of the crucifixion because on the other side is resurrection, and I need to get there. I'm losing my grip on this side of the evolution. I've laid it all down. My desires, my wants, my plans, my visions, my expectations. Everything I deem as mine I lay down to love. I've never experienced a pain like this before.
Yet even as I sit here broken hearted it's still your voice I hear so clearly singing. You are no where in sight, yet my brain has taken over my ear drums and caused them to reverberate in a way that mimics the sound of your melodic voice. My soul is busted so wide open I've literally had to numb myself to hold on. What do you when healing feels like your entire body has been stripped raw, and you're being lowered into a tub of 100% proof alcohol? Every time you think you've gotten used to the sting more of your body is lowered in. Life without love. That paints a picture I can barely fathom, and my imagination spans ethers. yet with all the life in me I just want to run. But the honest truth is that feels like returning back to survival mode. Moving through the motions till this vessel takes its last breath. I'm tired of threatening myself with a last breath.
I'm at a loss for words here. That was a lot of truth. I allow the divinity of the shadows of my truth to speak through. I've learned in life that shadows are merely misguided lights. We look at them in fear of how dark they appear when we're actually just gazing into an empty space waiting for light to be shone it's way. Everything within you has it's place of divine purpose. Healing may be painful at times, but it always gives you the strength and hope to hold on. Keep holding on.
Now...here in September, 2016. I am healed. Not in every aspect. But in the places I need it most in this season of my life. I learned, and am learning daily, the art of forgiveness. I no longer cower in the face of shadows, but rather find a perspective that makes them lighter. I no longer quiet my inner divine voice when my truth contradicts something I have been taught or learned. I allow myself to be, fully. It's been like detaching from a toxic relationship. You are the core of your essence and the toxic relationship is everything you were taught to be. It hurts to have something ripped from the seams of your soul, and the lingering feeling of its existence as a reminder of what used to be is taunting. Then add on the factor of change and stepping into unknown territory and it's just a full on horror film. Yet with time (and intention) you see the flowers bloom right where the scar used to be. You see light shine brightly where darkness used to haunt you.
It may cause your soul may turn you topsy turvy, and it's likely it'll feel like you're going against everything you've ever been told. Trust yourself, anyway. Take a leap of faith knowing you'll land among stars. Knowing self, which goes hand in hand with healing self, is a matter of change. It is a matter of evolution. It is the explosion of gas that makes a star. It is the cracking of a shell that reveals the bird. It is the ripping of the cocoon that brings forth the butterfly. And it is the moving forward through the pain, through the fear, through the doubt that births the you you've been dreaming of.
Today... I am confident. I am walking in purpose. I am living a life that brings smiles in every sunrise and peace in every sunset. I am at peace with myself, and that is an invaluable gift. That peace is available to you too, if you're willing. "Don't fear the light that dwells deep within. You are powerful beyond what you imagine. Just let your light glow..."
3 great places to start...
1. Stop blaming everyone else for everything. In it all, YOU are the common denominator. If something is upsetting, annoying, angering... You are the only one you have enough control over to change. So change it. Remove that situation. Remove that person. Choose a different perspective. Anything that is DIFFERENT. Insane is allowing it repetitively and being surprised and/or upset by your response. The trial and error process of change is the only thing powerful enough to give you different results.
2. Be honest with yourself. If you're pissed, be pissed. If you're jealous, be jealous. If you're greedy, needy, a liar, a cheat...embrace that in that moment that is what you are FEELING. Allow yourself to fully emerge in those feelings in a safe place. If you sit with those "demons" long enough you will begin to find their roots and realize that you are capable of digging them up and moving on. It is not what we feel that causes problems, it is our reaction to those feelings.
3. Realize YOU as a divine, unique energy being is not defined by every thought and feeling you have. Separate yourself. Allow yourself to become a spectator of your thoughts and feelings, analyzing them to find truth amongst them. Why are those thoughts occurring? Why are those feelings occurring? Who taught you to think that or feel that? Is that thought or feeling really something you subscribe to and want as part of your everyday life? This is where meditation can become very powerful. (grab a notebook) Try sitting down for even just 3 minutes. Close your eyes, and focus on your breathing. As thoughts arise take a moment to write it down (as simple as dishes, marriage, spouse, work, etc.), then bring yourself back to your breathing. After a few minutes you will begin to see what consumes your mind. Make a practice of this as consistently as you are able to. You will then begin to notice these thoughts as they happen throughout everyday life and make a decision to choose a different thought.
Peace is a choice. Joy is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Productivity is a choice. Love is a choice. It's simple, not easy. Choose.
(Btw, we made it through stronger than we could have ever imagined love could make us.)