My mind is racing. "What you have to say is pointless & a waste of time," "what could you possibly teach someone else? You haven't been through enough," "people are going to make fun of you," "you're the only one this late on these truths, everyone else knows already," "stop wasting your time." I write ad write, then I re-read the words about 1,000 times per paragraph questioning every sentence I chose. Reading it so many times it just becomes horrible by default (like an overplayed song!). The endless chatter in my head loudly verbalizing the self-doubt that runs through my genes. It's a really interesting place to be aware of these doubts, yet know the deeper truth of their scandalous lies. I'm convinced it must be the first stage of ridding myself of self-doubt, completely. It's quite a paradoxical experience, like the mental version of your body feeling hot and cold at the same time. The heat revs through me vivaciously as I'm gearing up for the task, whatever it may be. I'm full of confidence, excitement, and strength. Then without as much of a warning the beginning of the task greets me with ice rushing through my veins from my feet upward, and I'm frozen. The temperatures battle for a while until one ultimately prevails.
More times than I'd like to admit the ice keeps me in place. Sitting on ideas, words, movement, art, and so much more that has the potential to bring something beautiful to the world. But instead it gets filed into a vault within me labeled "not good enough." Rarely does it see daylight again. And sometimes the heat wins by a hair. Though stiff and rugged, I move. Yet even then I criticize, judge, and berate my expression floating on other people's validations until I am alone with my own thoughts again. The truth is hard because to be honest I'd like to think I was above riding the emotional wave of likes, comments, and compliments. But, I'm not. I still judge myself based on how many followers I have, how many people liked my latest post, and how many people visit my site/read my blog. I judge myself based on how many people tell me I've inspired them in one way or another. I judge myself on how free I was in my expressions that day. I judge myself. A lot. It's toxic and I know it, but it's like my version of a cigarette.
I'm starting to realize the trick, however, is not heat winning over cold. It's the middle point when they melt into each other to create the perfect temperature. The one you feel when it's not too cold and not too hot outside, where every outfit is the appropriate outfit, where top down or windows up feels the same type of magical. I'm learning my perfect temperature is accepting that my desire is for a lot of followers and likes because I long to be a beacon of light that shines as bright as the sun in a dark and broken world. It's accepting that I truly like to be liked, and even more so that I love being noticed for my efforts (these damn leo qualities!). But I must always overstand that my value/worth is not dependent on these things, and I must see my value ALWAYS whether its seen or acknowledged by others. It's accepting that I have anxiety (I mean, come on, it's kind of hard not to in this society!), but knowing that anxiety does not define me. There are moments where I will succumb to that anxiety, but I must do so gently knowing it's okay to not be okay at times. Other times I will exercise my power to move through those moments with grace, wisdom, and strength. It's acceptance of my insecurities as they are today. Knowing that it's okay that I struggle to know my art means something, my purpose is real, and my actions are of service and healing. Knowing that it's okay to care what other people think, it's okay to be the empathetic soul that I am. It's knowing that not everything I feel is true. It's learning to trust myself again, and know that my gut instincts lead me with love. When I slow down enough to really feel deeply I always know what feelings are true and which one's are not.
2017 is my year of creating ABUNDANT spaces for my art to shine as brightly as I know it is. It's my year of living in a judgement free zone. As I stop judging myself the importance of other's judgements fade. One day at a time. One decision at a time. Being gentle as I spiral into self-discovery and freedom. It's a journey, not a destination. Knowing that not any single step is backward even if it's a bad habit rearing it's ugly head. Every single moment is a brand new moment to make a different decision. Experience life from moment to moment, and know fullness. Join me! Let's do this together! Whatever your art is (that thing that gives you so much joy) commit to CREATING spaces for it to bloom. Let this year be a year of no longer waiting for it to come to you, but rather going out to make it happen! Happy New Year, my loves.
One love. Keep the faith.