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A Best Friend I Never Had

February 23, 2017

The 2 year anniversary of your death passed without me noticing. And to be honest, realizing I forgot hurt more than it would have to remember the day of. Sometimes I forget you're gone. Not in some I'm still in shock and can't believe it type of way though. I used to go this long without talking to you. Fighting a silent battle across oceans of distance created by misunderstandings and influence. I saw you as an enemy (views created by eyes that longed to protect my heart from life's brokenness). Now each time I remember you're not alive for a moment it's the same crumbling feeling as the night I was told. I hadn't said enough, asked the right questions, told the right stories, experienced enough moments. None of it was enough, is enough. 

 

I can feel our past moments in my hands. I can touch that Christmas Eve we stayed up all night, the like 15 mile walk to the mall, the cross country road trips. Yet here in this breath I stand unable to make up for all the falls and winters I didn't call. I struggle to hear your voice sometimes though I see the visions clearly, and that only deepens the ache inside. And sometimes I get jealous when I see other women with their fathers. That part hurts pretty bad too. It's really all a pretty chaotic site I'm still working through. I wish you were here to help me with that. The deeper I get into myself the more I see your face. This road may have been a little bit smoother had I gotten to ask the questions, but I've learned not to question life. 

 

Even with the ache, I am grateful. Simply because I've learned a lesson I'll never unlearn. I speak even when it hurts. I give one last kiss even if I'm running late. I aplogize first. I try my best not to go so long without calling. And I get to share it with others. So to you reading (and to me!)... love out in the open. Love hard. Love when it hurts. Love when it heals. Love with your harsh words. Love with your nurturing ones. Love up close or from a distance. Just make sure you do your part to be on a different side of this ache, to be on the other side of regrets grip. Change is much smoother when you're not holding to imaginary moments of the past. Have those moments now

 

One love. Keep the faith. 

I love you, Daddy. 

R.I.P. Keith Alcantara <3