Press play & just listen OR Press play & read along. Just press play.
May the sound of my voice penetrate your soul and call forth your light to illuminate the world. <3
There are these moments where I know it is this time/place that I'm supposed to write to you. Thankfully the feeling always comes with my journal or a current read being in reach because this is where I go to find my inspiration. You see, this is all so much bigger than me, my desires, and my needs. It’s a testament to the life I’m living day in and day out. It’s to show you (and me!) the power of faith, of goodness, of love, of God if we believe. But the type of belief that comes with KNOWING; the kind that lets you free fall with your eyes closed or fall in love after your heart’s been broken. The kind of faith that keeps you alive even when you’re underwater.
The past few weeks have riddled my brain with doubt, insecurity, question, and confusion. Almost every ounce of my energy has gone to staying afloat amongst the currents because the only thing I knew for sure was I had to stay the course of faith no matter how many waves took me under. I wrote this in my journal:
“I’ve lost sight of my faith, or more so her appeal no longer entrances my eye. The seams of her fabric have been mangled by my antics, and every stitch holding together the idea of better is busting free. My doubts are seeping through every opening as I’m growing more and more impatient with the journey.” June 20th, 2017
I remember the days early in my walk I anticipated days where doubt couldn’t touch me and I no longer knew insecurity’s name. My day to day motivation was an illusion of a space that held my imperfections in perfection. For a while it felt like the world’s most violent seesaw as I oscillated between faith and doubt regularly. Each side sinking me just deep enough to get to third base. It wasn’t long before the highs were tainted by the anticipation of the lows, and the lows no longer had the hope of the highs to strengthen them. Soon both faith and doubt dripped from me, and all I knew was there has to be a culmination of the rattling.
“Things are getting intense now. Is the grass really that much greener on the other side? Or are these brown eyes seeing grey skies because of the glasses I’m wearing? Perspective is everything, but how could my feelings lie so honestly? Emotions rattling in directions I didn’t even know existed. I finally know what it means to be the peace when it’s storming….”
April 17th, 2017.
If I know nothing at all, I know time and time again I will be called to release everything I think I know. Today was another one of those times. I learned I no longer have to ride the seesaw into the deep ends. It's okay to balance in the middle clearly able to see the entirety of each energy. It’s okay to use the same mind that aimlessly runs laps around broken perceptions to see the miracle that is faith and the goodness awaiting my taking. It’s okay to allow that faith to be fueled by different gases. Faith does not mean the absence of doubt, but rather the choice to engage only with confidence. It is the decision to 60 times in one minute speak aloud or internally a message of love on the days’ doubt rings relentlessly. It is a space in which you choose to KNOW despite the sultry beckoning of illusion.
Stay the course of faith. Allow it to transform along with your evolution. Embody your faith so much so that you no longer perceive a separation between you and divinity/God/goodness/love. Trust life enough to trust you with some of it's most joy giving experiences. You deserve it.
I love you.
One love. Keep the faith. <3
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